Vicki Lee Clark July of 1968 while still single as part of a youth leadership class, 28 days in the Utah desert.
The following was written as a final paper for the Youth Leadership 480 Class that I took.? The class was a desert survival experience.? I loaned the actual journal to a friend while I was in graduate school and never got it back.? So this final paper and the memories that I have of that time serve as my reminder of an important event in my growing up years.? This report quoted below is in my possession but is fading and in very rough shape.? I wanted to get it in a digital form before I lost all or part of it or it became unreadable.? It was type written.? What is quoted below is as I wrote it, with a few spelling corrections, now that I have spell check.? The wording, however, is quoted exactly.? ?There is one 2018 note in italics.
Opening remarks to my final paper for Youth Leadership 480.
I started on this trek with mixed emotions. When I decided to go I wrote my expectations and reasons in my journal. I think it expresses my feelings at the time about as well as anything.
Entry – July 13, 1968
I guess I start on this trek with mixed emotions.? I’m proud that I made the decision to go.? This is the first time I’ve ever decide to do something I really wanted to do just for fun and for my personal growth.? It seems odd but for the first time I really feel like I’m on my own.? This is really happening to me and I’m really part of it.? It was me that caused it to come about.? Feels funny but good.
I have a lot of hopes and expectations about what’s going to happen out there.? I want to know myself and face myself.? I don’t think you have to go out on the desert for 28 days to do that but I think it does take a while with yourself.? Time to commit yourself and then not let circumstances allow you to break your commitment.? For me the desert trip will help me keep the commitment.
I’m kind of scared in that, will facing myself in a survival situation help me to face myself in the areas where I need to do it?? Am I a woman?? Will somebody love me? I mean, now it seems like I struggle to hold people to me.? I hope that by coming to know myself and by facing loneliness and rejection,? I can come away and not have it bother me anymore– to be loved for myself, to be able to feel that at least, and to be able to feel that I don’t have to be something or do something or whatever to hold the love of people that matter to me.? Right now I have to constantly struggle.? I feel used and yet I feel reject unless I force myself to be what they want.? Can’t seem to put what I mean into words.
I want to be able to feel love freely given.? What’s more, if love isn’t freely given, I want to be able to accept that fact and live with it and be free from running myself ragged hanging on to something that isn’t there.? If it is there I don’t want to be suspicious of it.? I want to love freely.? It’s terribly hard to think about.? I think however, i’m ready to face myself.? I want to.? I’d rather go through hell and not come out than never fact it.? Somehow, though, I’m blocking my own progress.? I know that I’m responsible.? I know I can continue to exist on the fringes or I can meet myself and live a life that’s work reporting on when I face God gain.
That’s what I want out of this trip.? I have a feeling I can get a lot more than that.? I can learn how to help other people but only if I face myself.? I can spend 28 days working hard and pretending and deluding myself into thinking I’m getting someplace and not really get anywhere, it’s up to me.? I will succeed.? I promise myself that.
That was what I wanted.? This initial desire developed as time went on.
Entry – July 23, 1968
How do I feel?? Mentally I feel weird.? I feel like i’m on this trip but not a part? of it.? I hope that feeling goes away.? That’s the feeling I usually have with a group.? I wish I could give a sketch of myself like I can of the others.? I like all of the group but I don’t feel a part of it.? What am I?? Am I a girl that keeps busy to keep from being scared?? No, my motives seem to be more-get things done that need to be done.? Yet all the time I’m doing it, I’m more concerned about impressing people with how much I’m doing.? I have this image that says people are supposed to help other people just to help them, unselfishly, I guess, without thinking of yourself.? Anyway you help other people because you want to help them not because of what it will get you.? That’s the way I feel it is supposed to be a least.? But how do I perceive myself?? I help other people to bring glory to myself.? ?When I was fixing up the ponchos today so we would have a place to sleep that was out of the rain, I wasn’t doing it just to help out, and because I really wanted to, I was doing it to get some kind of credit.? YUCK, what good is credit going to get me?? Can I ever stop?? Can I be unselfish and love other people or am I going to work all my life just trying to get someone to notice and appreciate me?? That’s not love.? Survival, that will be a great accomplishment, but I have a different goal for myself than just survival.? I can survive and even help other people survive and all the time I can be thinking of how great I am and figuring out all the ways I can to make sure that everybody sees what a big help I am and how considerate and helpful I am to others.? Or else I can learn how to really love people and let myself really love people and help them because I love them and not for what it will bring to me.? I want that and yet most of the time I do just the opposite of that.? Not all, I know that.? Some of the greatest moments in my life have been when i saw somebody in need of something or wanting something and gave it to them because I loved them and wanted them to have it, not because I wanted to impress them with my generosity.??
Things looked a little dim on July 28.? My journal included this entry.
Entry July 28, 1968
So far I’m disappointed in what’s happening or what’s not happening.? I don’t know what I expected and yet somehow I still expect to be able to look at myself.? What does that mean?? Can you create a life of good action based on base motives?? Are my motives always base?? I’m going to talk to Larry when I get a chance.? He knows I’m not here because of academic probation but he doesn’t know any more than that.? i don’t know why I want to talk to him.? Yes I do.? I don’t want to be stuck in a beginners group.? It may be a challenge to them but it wouldn’t be to me.? Still, – I here ringing in my ears – “You reach out to get help because you won’t do it yourself”.? Don’t know- just see what happens.? Try my best and pray for help.
Entry Aug 2, 1968
The girls were talking today.? Telling each other what their first impressions of the others were.? They said I impressed them impressed them as efficient, and knowledgeable about the out of doors and concerned about other people.? Still I feel out of the group.? Untouchable.? I think part of that is because that is the way I want it.? I mean, I can make friends but I don’t want to be stuck to a click or whatever.? I can’t get what I’m feeling on paper but I think things are getting to me.
Entry Aug. 4, 1968
Larry told us last night that one of us was going to have to kill a sheep.? I volunteered immediatly.? I’m not sure why.? To let everybody know I wasn’t squimish about killing I guess.? At any rate, after I volunteered so readily he asked if I’d ever killed anything like that before.? I told him no, since I haven’t.? Then he said that after we killed it he would give us a talk on killing things needlessly.? He said all things have a right to live.? I felt really small, like I didn’t respect life because I volunteered so readily.? I don’t know.? I think I respect life, yet does respect for life mean afraid to kill?? No, I think it means able to kill when you have to and for the right reasons.? I don’t think my reasons for volunteering were the rightest reasons in the world.? Kind of “Let people know how good you are.”? I could probably be pretty influenced by a group for unrighteous purposes, if I didn’t know the real purpose of the group and my only other motivation? was to keep up my image within the group.? I guess I’d better find a better standard than that.? With a sheep that has to be killed it doesn’t really matter.? But that’s not the point.? I know I could kill a sheep if had to.? Why do I have to prove it to the group?? I don’t have to and I didn’t have to volunteer to do it to keep their respect.? Think about this, there are a lot of implications here.? ?I am thinking, I know this trip is getting to me.? I hope it continues.? I’m learning a lot about myself and I really think I’m getting someplace.
Entry Aug 6, 1968
You know it’s funny.? I’m beginning to feel? OK about being alone in this group.? I guess this is “existential loneliness”.? I’m not ostracized by the group, although, I’m not the most popular member, I guess it depends on how I decide to look at it.? Do I want to strive constantly for popularity which isn’t consistently obtainable anyway or should I strive to like myself even if I do feel strange in a group. The second is my choice.? Now how do I do it.
Entry Aug 7, 1968
Still haven’t gotten through to Connie.? She’s still independent and sloughs responsibility.? We’ve been cooking so much as a whole group that we haven’t been in too many situations as a cook group.? There is still an unspoken war between us.? Connie can’t stand? me.? I think she looks at me like I’m a goody-goody because I work? a lot.? I think I may make her feel guilty by my actions but she won’t admit that.? She just acts hostel towards me and tries to cut me down.? It gets to me.? I’ve got to develop sufficient strength within myself to be able to stand it and still maintain my integrity without denying the fact that it hurts.? What does maintain integrity mean?? How do I do that?? What action must I look to to show myself that I either do or do not maintain my integrity in a situation like that?? What shows me that I have sufficient strength?? I don’t know myself very well, nor do I trust myself because I can’t point to any action or feeling that doesn’t change.? When I get hurt or get into a situation that is foreign, I just feel lost.? I feel unworthy and not worthwhile as a person.? That’s a terrible feeling and I hate it.?
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Entry Aug. 8, 1968
I killed the sheep.? I knew I wouldn’t have any trouble and I didn’t.? I didn’t have to kill it with the hammer and for that I am thankful.? I shot it in the head with Larry’s pistol.? Then we cleaned it.? I pulled the insides out.? I’m not afraid of that sort of thing.? I never have been.? Being able to fend for yourself and kill something if you have to has nothing to do with lack of femininity or sensitivity.? I can be as feminine as I choose to be.? It all depends on me.?
We ate part of the sheep.? It tasted great.? I’m full for the first time in days.
We are cooking dinner now.? Al and Sharon and I.? Francy and Larry aren’t back from the truck.? Reed and Emery and Paul went after them.? I don’t think Al and Sharon think they are getting their money’s worth.? They get pretty disgusted? with the lack of responsibility on the part of some of these kids sometimes and rightfully so.? A lot of them are just sluffing.? ?This hasn’t been all I expected as a survival experience either but it has and will give me my opportunity to think and try to get closer to God.
I can see where the out of doors can be used to help people gain responsibility.? we just had a lot of misfortune?on this trip and I don’t think Larry accomplished all he wanted to.? ?Not so far at least.? I think it hurts him to to see some of the group still sluffing.? It hurts me.? These kids have great potential but a lot of them are headed in the wrong direction.? How do you get people to see straight and how do you know that what you think is right really is?? Prayer I guess and constant reevaluation.? ?You can’t take a stand without expecting to make a few mistakes.? ? ??Note from 2018:? I have learned since this time that the Lord really does help us with this.? If we turn to Him when we have tried something or are not sure about something he helps us and we learn through experience to do more and more as He would have us do.? We are not perfect and we do make mistakes but He helps us grow through and beyond those mistakes.? That last sentence before the italics might well read ‘Prayer I guess and constant reevaluation while seeking revelation.’?
Concluding Remarks From the Paper I Wrote at the End of Class? Quotes above taken from my Journal – Aug 1968
I think these excerpts from my journal give in outline form what I got out of the class.? I think among other things, I gained an appreciation for civilization and the opportunities it affords.? While we were on survival I didn’t have any time to do anything but grub for existence.? Work all day to get enough food to get enough strength to work all the next day to get enough food to be able to work the next day, etc.? I think it was then that I began to appreciate the fact that here I have the opportunity to create a life that allows for a great deal more nobility than is possible when the whereabouts of your next meal is the basic concern.?
I also learned that we are more limited by attitude than by circumstance.? There is a great deal of difference between the words ‘can’t and won’t’.? Can’t is really only an excuse for won’t.? Because unless you kill yourself doing whatever your doing, ‘can’t’, really isn’t even in existence.
I think I gained a great deal of insight into myself, more than I can put on paper, and I am glad I had the opportunity to take the class.
I feel that it was lacking in severity in a lot of places.? Things could have been tougher and we would have gained more.? I also think that some of the kids in our group didn’t learn as well as they could have what responsibility is.? Being a little tougher and letting us get away with a little less might have helped.? Although in the final analysis, if we are really honest with ourselves,? we all should be able to see how much we got out of it by how much we put into it.??
Personally, I think I succeeded in my quest.? I have several more quests as a result of this experience but than I feel that life isn’t very worthwhile unless you’re working at something.