A Personal Essay
May 21, 1998
One hears a lot these days about ?purpose in life?. Some people are asking themselves and others what their purpose in life is.
I always thought the fact that I was here, was purpose enough. But for the sake of argument ? with myself, of course, I looked up the word purpose.
Among the many definitions, were these two: ? an aim, or intent having a fixed design or determination. An idea or ideal kept before the mind as an end of effort or action?. These words did not seem awesome enough to me to describe ?purpose in life? – however, under synonyms, I found the word purport. It’s definition read as follows: ?That which is conveyed or suggested to the mind as the meaning, intention or significance. The substance of a statement given in other than exact words.?
Than I began to wonder if purport was not the word I wanted. Could purport, if stretched some, mean the substance as well as the significance of my life? Somehow this word and idea felt relevant to me and my journey here.
Now, you may wonder, why I even investigated further since I said ?being here was purpose enough.? Awhile back I was given an ultimatum. I learned I have an incurable Cancer. Stunned, I felt like God had thrown me a rotten curve, but shortly thereafter, I knew better, for if I learned anything at all in the 72 years I’ve been here, it’s not to blame my creator for my problems, but to trust in His divine wisdom.
After this information settled, into my being, much self introspection began to take place. I don’t mean self-blame. That does no one any good. What I mean is, I began to study the way I’ve lived my life, some of the things that happened to me the good and the not so good. For anyone who says life is always a ?bundle of joy? does very little living in my estimation, because how does one know what is good if there is not some of the opposite. Put simply, mine has bee and is a good life.
Aside from living the normal life of first a working woman, living on my own, then marriage, and then children, all of which were my own choices, as I reminisced, one interesting thought that came was that I never intentionally went out of my way to hurt anyone. Though not a terribly profound statement, I’m proud of that and feel that most of my associates, along the way, have treated me with that same kind of respect. I believe you draw to you much of what you honestly are. Then I began to look for the pockets of joy ? and oh, there are so many I can’t began to name them ? looking into the big brown eyes of my two lovely children and seeing respect and love. Watching them and their spouses, who show that same respect, make good lives for themselves and their children. Remembering the rich times of accomplishment, and the many pleasures that my husband and I have shared. My wonderful childhood, and the little book that came about as the result of it. My association with the remarkable women of my Memoir group. I could go on and on here, but want to make it clear, that even though I have an ultimatum in my life, it does not mean that I have quit living.
My Oncologist told me, that sometimes, when one looks at living from a certain perspective, time can be full of unexpected joys. He’s right. So many things have occurred that I am so grateful for. These are things that a person knows about their families, friends and other associates, but never really thinks about too much. Then suddenly, at ties, the bright spots come enmasse, flooding one’s being with intense joy.
I have one to share that I wonder if I’d known about had this cancer not entered my life. Strangely enough, sometimes the word gift enters my mind in regard to that. My oldest granddaughter, Tara, sent me a card last March, just before she came home for a short visit from graduate school. Among other things she said. ?You have always been there for me. I don’t know if you’re aware of how much you’ve done for me, but I can say without a doubt that you are the inspiration for the way I live my life. There are many things that I might not have tried to do or even thought about doing if it hadn’t been for you. Really, I consider you one of my best friends and a large contributor to what has made me me. Thank you.? Isn’t that a special delight? It struck me immediately that my father and one of my Aunts had much that same kind of influence on me.
Tara is here again for a brief visit, and we have enjoyed some very special times together. Discussions I never dreamed of have occurred. I have read some of her work and I feel she will be an exceptional writer one day. I know now, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I do leave here, as we all mush one day, there is an important part of me that will live on through my children and my grand children.
Each day brings more realization of the significance and substance in my life ? purport, if you will. It’s a grand feeling.